I Am Beautiful

It's been a while.

My so-called winter break was very well spent. Went back to being a lazy wreck. Now in Semester 2 the whole roller coaster ride begins again: study, assignment 1, study, assignment 2, study, study madder, exam, becomes a deflated balloon.

Don't intend to put any photos or pictures. Too lazy to google them. It's 1.02am anyway.

Reason why I suddenly wanted to write an entry was because I had a heart full of things, quite personal, that I wanted to share during Dr. A's Sex, Gender, Knowledge tutorial (for convenience sake, let's call it Sex tutorial, shall we) when discussing the topic of pornification and raunch culture. But I didn't share. Partly because they're too personal, partly because I was too timid, partly because of the intimidating presence of some people there.

I shan't put names here.

Not intimidating as in annoying. They just make me feel stupid and silly.

When reading the required readings for this topic, I find myself deeply drawn to it. 'Cause I can totally relate to them. For the simplest reason, I was once that girl.

Of course I was never a prostitute, lap dancer, pole dancer or exotic dancer. But I was in some ways just like them. A prostitute trades her body for monetary gains; I trade my appearance for self-confidence.

In short, we both trade this sexualised image of ourselves for some sort of incentive.

Sexualised images being femininity. In lay men terms, the way a girl should look like.

I think every girl has had once a kind of 'identity crisis', or a phase of self-searching, during the early years of puberty. Questions like "who am I", "what am I", "is this the way I should be behaving" fraught our minds. I was no different. After all, I am just another girl.

I claim to be ignorant at times, sometimes for the sake of it, sometimes to appear 'cool' with things. Like what Dr. A asked, "Does your conscious self care what other people think of you?" The 'cool' answer would be "No, of course not. I am me. Why should I care? This is a free world." But no.

No. You do care. You're just in denial.

I remember being 13 and feeling ugly. I got my ears pierced, hair straightened, bought mini skirts that year.

I remember being 14 and couldn't look at myself in the mirror. I started to skip meals that year.

I remember being 15 and feeling neglected. That year, I photoshopped my photos.

I remember being 16 and crying at my reflection. That year, I tried to be one of the boys.

All those years I viewed myself as an ugly girl, an unattractive girl. The only way I know to be attractive was to be 'cool', daring and sexy.

Those juvenile days, I traded my air-brushed photos for more friend requests from strangers, boys from other schools, for popularity. I remember being in cloud nine naively thinking I was the only girl in my school who had so many connections with people, particularly boys, from other schools.

That made me feel a little more beautiful than I originally thought I was.

The adults say that it's the confidence that oozes from a female, and the air she carries herself with that defines her attractiveness. I decided it was a trait you should be born with, and I was born without. I masqueraded myself in the skirts, the hair, the jewelry and the attitude.

I personally think I've been through more transformations than most of my friends. From 12 to 13, from 16 to 17, from 18 to 19, from 19 to now. So many phases that some of my primary school classmates could not recognise me when we met in our 13th year. A uni mate and friend from my secondary years jumped when they compared me and my college years.

It dawned on me so gradually. Just lately, in fact, I found out that I am, actually, quite beautiful.

What made me realise that was the extra confidence I gained throughout the years, from a gawky 12 year old to a relatively nerdy 20 year old. It took me 8 years to get that much confidence. It took me 8 years to know that I should exhibit the confidence to be what I am now, relatively better than what I was.

But it's all inside my head. I think I'm beautiful.

I am beautiful.

So are you.