Insecurities

I won't go abstract. I promise. 

In one month I sent out 39 job applications, four phone interviews, which progressed into two face-to-face interviews. 

Yet, zero offers to work full-time in Singapore. 

Four companies rejected me before I had the chance to speak to them. Two of them, due to business restrictions, can only hire me on remote-working and project basis. One decided to place someone more experienced and able to start sooner for the job; another didn't provide a reason. The rest just never replied. 

I applied locally too -- two of them -- and got offers. Unfortunately, I had to turn both down due to the salary offered. I really, really liked one of those companies. 

At one point, I was quite convinced that I'm not as good at my job as I thought I am. Why else would a meritocratic country say no then? The night when I got two rejections, both of which I've been interviewed via Skype or in person, my self-confidence crumbled. 

I'm not your textbook millennial. I don't believe I'm entitled to anything, not even when it comes to matters of the heart. I'm a baby boomer living in the body of a millennial. I believe you should work it to deserve it. I never believed that just because I have a degree, I should have a job -- which was why I insisted on doing internships annually. I graduated with a CGPA 3.33 and ten and a half months of working experience. I serve my bond and achieved some good numbers for my portfolios. 

I might have joked about being the lowest paid person among my group of friends to my superior, but I never once demanded for a raise. Nevertheless, my managers are kind people who requested a increments and salary adjustments, guided me and motivated me to where I am currently. 

But I want to go. I felt as if I'm a long-bodied fish living in a tiny fishbowl. My muscles start to ache because my gills kept grazing against my tail. I don't need an ocean -- a bigger aquarium sounds nice, a small fish pond even better. 

So I started my job-seeking spree. In every cover letter -- even when it wasn't compulsory to send one -- I wrote that I want to contribute with whatever skills I have. I'm also thirsty for knowledge, I told them I want to learn: I want to learn so badly. Be it software skills, human languages, computer languages, design, adaptability -- I want to be fed knowledge. 

But perhaps I'm not good enough for that competitive environment across the Causeway. Gone are the days when I'll look at my phone expectantly, waiting for a reply to the previous email conversation. It's like going through a break up: you had a text to look forward to everyday, suddenly there's none.

The silence that follows. 
The self-doubting.
The questioning.

Paper qualifications. Job experience. Appearance. Likability. At this point I can get none of it right.