The Remnants

I can say a million mean things to her in the face.

But that would make me a bitch, wouldn't it?

I have absolutely nothing against her. Hell, we don't even know each other. Most probably I won't even know that she exists if he never told me (I'm thankful for his honesty anyhow).

The only problem that is between us (unknowingly for her) is that I'm jealous.

I'm so darn jealous. Envious of what she has and I don't. Which sounds very childish and stupid, it's like I have no life and nothing else better to do (quite true, given the circumstances).

And I'm not saying that I'm not. I admit it.

Like every guy, he tells you that he loves you the way you are.

It makes sense. He wouldn't be with you if that isn't the case. Maybe he doesn't like the way you look on some days -- e.g. your bad hair day -- but that case is in the minority. You should just be thankful that he likes you for most of the days.

Not much reason for me to be jealous, is there?

5 more months to being 19 and I just embarked on my first bumpy ride of boy-girl relationship 2 months ago. So I'm a late bloomer sort-of. I'm too much of a school girl behind the thick polycarbon spectacles, and my vision slips a tad because of too much sweat on the bridge of my nose.

One reason why I got into a relationship later than everybody was because there were no suitors. You seriously don't expect someone as nerdy as I am to have suitors. What with my thick polycarbon spectacles (doesn't this just 'bespeak' of geek-i-ness? lol) and unsmiling face. Weird sense of humour, Rachel Berry-esque attitude, and odd preference for Literature, the Performing Arts, History and Philosophy. Neither cute enough nor hot enough even the nerds didn't want me.

Another one is that I'm not ready for commitment. Face it, there's a certain level of commitment involved when you agree to be someone's boyfriend or girlfriend. No more flirting, hello? How do you live with that? For some cases, you may need to decrease the number of times you hug someone of the opposite sex. It's like being controlled, with your consent of course.

Similarly, I don't want to form an emotional attachment with someone, then break up with him if it doesn't work out and move on to the next male in line. Because there'll be leftovers, remnants, seemingly forgotten pieces of him/her that you can never erase from your memory.

And that's why I'm jealous.

We all know that our past haunts us, especially the sour ones, bitter ones, unpleasant ones. We stumble sometimes, there are mistakes. Some so obnoxious they sting you, make you cry and you're forced to regret and live with it for the rest of your lives.

Personally, I think that isn't the worst case scenario. I think having torn pieces of someone else in your heart is worse. It's like you sticked 2 papers together, leave it for a while, then try to separate it.

You won't be able to get a clean separation. No. Pieces of one paper will be sticked on the other, and one paper will always have missing pieces.

I think she has taken some of him along with her. I think he still has some of her deep in him.

Maybe I'm thinking too much. But that night when he said, "It's because of the past..." I just thought of her. All that comparing I did in secret: what she's good at, her IQ all the way to the type of style she sports.

Sometimes I wanna lock myself up and ask Cindy or Chieh to slap me awake. But I'll never tell them this face to face, I may write to them.

I could never muster the courage to tell him. If I do, he'll most probably shake his head, laugh at me, ruffle my hair and tell me I'm thinking too much. Or he may sigh and look at his shoes sadly, then give me an unfathomable stare and we'll sink into awkward silence.

That's why I wrote it out. Because I can no longer contain this. No more. Nevermore.