The 'American' Experience

Despite all the racism and violence that never seemed to end, the whole world still likes to imitate the cultures of the Land of Dreams.

In schools, we have cliques or 'gangs', Homecoming Queens and even prom (which is a good thing, actually). Then there's the making outs in a dark corner in school and having sex in your boyfriend's house. Worse still, bullies galore.

Which leaves me wondering, why would anyone want to study in America? Heck, why would anyone want to go for a vacation in America?

We already have the American experience here. We are trying to be Americans, some of us even succeeded to act like pure Americans.

I opt for Europe. More specifically, I want to study and live in England.

I'm not saying that British students are as chaste as the Virgin Mary or the apostles, there are a few bad apples here and there. But at least there is a scant albeit minute trace of the preservation of centuries-old tradition.

I'm not saying that I dislike America, don't get me wrong.

In fact, I grew up in a replica of an American high school, the type you see in '90210', 'Mean Girls' and 'Lizzie McGuire'. My church.

No, it's not only praise, worship and saying "Hallelujah" out loud; it's about being 'cool' and knowing people, as Jared hinted during dinner in Muar.

The tone of frustration mixed with sympathy in his voice when he said, "You don't know anybody in YC?" took my appetite away from the dinner table. Most of my friends know that whenever I said I had a talk with someone, it meant I had a heated discussion with someone.

In my church, you have all the essential and not-so-essential American high school characters. From the jocks to the geeks, the genius to the pea-brained, the drama queen to the goth girl, the normal bunch of people and the outcasts.

I'm happy to admit that I'm one of the normals. There's no need for me to deal with popularity statistics and auditions.

But I must admit that I sometimes wish, with all my heart, that I am that girl sitting in front. Surrounded by girl friends and joking with guy friends.

Sometimes I find it amazing how one's status in a community varies, in such a grand scale.

I was the active girl, always running around the school, being anywhere on the grounds but in class. The stage was like my real classroom, I've been performing since I started schooling there. My grades were average. I was a bookworm with thick English novels in my hands all the time.

Queer enough, I gave people the impression of an above-average student in tuition. Some came up with the ludicrous idea that my tuition teacher favours me above others. Being a good friend to the prettiest girl in class, I have a lot of friends to the extend of having haters who sent me hate mails through anonymous phone numbers.

Yet in church, the only people who knew I existed were my CG leaders and one or two girls in my CG. The only people I knew existed were only a handful.

A church is supposed to be a place for believers to worship and praise God together, not a pub for us to socialise.

What I saw were the gamblers and sellers that were parading their goods and roulettes in the temple just like in the New Testament. Popularity is just another gamble that depends on your soft skills, talking and dressing. Some look like they want to sell themselves as a girlfriend or boyfriend to the best flirter.

Whilst praying, they give you a hug and they forget you after that. The next week you see them, you try to say hi but they sort of just dance away gracefully on tip toes when you came in, like you're some infectious airborne disease.

Which makes me wonder... was all that just an act or were they sincere? Perhaps they had too many things occupying their minds and they were forgetful? Why then do they remember to check out who's hot and who's not?

Or maybe they live in their own world and you just don't exist there. This applies for both genders, mind you.

Here comes the main theme of this lengthy post, the vertebra of this myriad of words:

Should I join the Tertiary Students' Fellowship, since it's a grown-up version of YC?

I'm still considering and thinking. Maybe after one church member read this and told the whole wide world about it, I won't be welcomed there anyway.

I apologise if I have offended anyone. I pray that nobody would break down and cry, hunt me down or jump off a cliff after reading this.

Maybe I should call ShernAi and talk. Maybe it's my personal problem and I'm thinking too much. Maybe I should keep this to myself.

God bless all of you whom so patiently read this whole thing.

P/S: I saw the pictures of the SBU/SJI prom which I was supposed to go, but didn't. Thanks to the Muar trip.

A gasp of relief escaped from my throat after I saw the pictures, thankfully I didn't show up or I'll feel depressed for the rest of my life.

Seeing my friends, stunning in luxurious velvet and looking hot in satin stirred a maelstrom of self-pity inside. Yet I couldn't help but smile reading that you guys had so much fun on the night of nights.

P/P/S: OCTO!!! You seriously hot la! And that MingHui hor... macam princess aje. Sadly they're not mine. Nevermind, my sayang still the sexiest. =D

Sincerely,