Walking in Mommy Dearest's Shadow

I cleary remember what Yen and Shin told me that day we went to Leisure Mall after the mid-years.

They said I don't look like 'me'. They said I look older.

Everyone who has seen me not in my school uniform (or home-y clothes) say that.

Family friends often say that I look just like mom.

We refuse to admit, mom and I.

Even for those who never seen mom, they will still say, "You are like your mom."

I am special and different, in so many ways. But people never see them, they just look.

And yet, I've been growing under mom's shadow since birth.

Nostalgia always hit me whenever I chanced upon one of mom's working attire. I was 10 when I first put them on. For work.

I followed mom to meet various customers, and they never ceased to say, "You'll grow to be a great woman like your mother."

Always being mommy's girl, I sat listening to her talking to the other adults about politics. Surprisingly, I was able to give some relevant opinions and mom took all the credits and praises.

Yet, there are people who throw sarcastic remarks, people from my own clan.

And all because of what?

Because I'm a girl, not a boy.

There are times, when I would fix my eyes on something far away and invisible.
There are times, when I would sit beside the driver's seat, beside her, with a woeful expression.

Sometimes, she would just give me a short glance and continue driving.
Sometimes, she would briefly ask, "Is there anything wrong?"

Although she never showed, I know that she knew everything happening around me, from inside out.
Although I never showed, she know that I knew everything happening around her, from inside out.

We don't talk like the mothers and daughters do in films, we just don't talk.

All the mother-daughter talk people saw, are just mere lines and scenes acted by us.

We know each other well, there's no need to talk.

And always, and perhaps forever, I will be walking in her shadow.